5: 59 p.m. Welcome to StaticBlog’s live, start-to-finish, red-carpet -to-red-eye coverage of the 2013 Oscars, one of the great endurance tests of our time, right up there with triathlons and competitive eating.
6:01 p.m. Oklahoma’s Own ™ Kristin Chenoweth opened the red carpet saying the red carpet is about “500 feet long, or 2000 of me.” Kristin is diminutive, but the math on that is about 3 inches, I think. She’d have to climb the microphone.
6:05 p.m. Jessica Chastain is the first on the carpet. Don’t know if that counts for anything, but watch where they seat her and how often the camera is trained in that direction.
6:13 p.m. When they break away for a massive, seemingly documentary length sequence on Oscar fashion, Andy Dick must have broken in and peed on the carpet.
6:16 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence walks the carpet. Watched “Silver Linings” again Friday, and I’m pretty convinced it’s going her way tonight.
6:26 p.m. Are they seriously doing a “Flat Stanley” with an Oscar statue?
6:30 p.m. Joseph Gordon-Levitt wants to talk about acting artistry. Kelly Rowland wants to talk about his socks. Just another day in Hollywood.
6:35 p.m. Was that a randomly selected hodgepodge of movies that came out in 2012, or a Google ad? Seriously, it wasn’t a commercial break, and yet it was. Singularity now!!!
6:39 p.m. Oklahoma’s Own Kristin Chenoweth gave a shoutout to the Oklahoma City Thunder! I think she and Bradley Cooper’s mom need to play some one-on-one at Chesapeake Arena.
6:54 p.m. Daniel Radcliffe made two appearances on the red carpet. Normally they don’t circle around and do a second, especially with someone who isn’t nominated. Must have needed to tread some water.
7:05 p.m. Strange things going on in audio — apocalyptic-sounding echoes, random sequences of Kristin Chenoweth talking over Sandra Bullock. Just like real life.
7:12 p.m. Anne Hathaway says that the cast of “Les Miserables” will be performing. The official toilet break has been announced.
7:24 p.m. We’re almost there. I’ve trained for the next four hours by consuming copious amounts of water and homemade chili. Nothing can go wrong.
7:31 p.m. “And the quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins now.” And we’re off!
7:32 p.m. MacFarlane is killing. About Roman Coppola’s childhood: “Mom, I got an A in Spanish.” “Oh really? Literally everyone you’re related to has an Oscar.”
7:37 p.m. “We Saw Your Boobs” — the best song opening in many, many, many years. This better be on iTunes tomorrow so Charlize Theron can download it. Man, she seemed to hate that, but then came out for the big song and dance with a smile on her face. Great all around.
7:43 p.m. Oh, the sock puppet “Flight” theater. MacFarlane is just awesome. No matter what Shatner says, this is already a winner. Making out with Sally Field was a nice touch, the TransAm, “Be Our Guest” — all of it.
7:50 p.m. Octavia Spencer announces:
Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Argo
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
And the award goes to…
Christoph Waltz — two for two on nominations and wins. Richly deserved. I could have been happy with any of these guys winning, but this was my preferred choice.
7:55 p.m. Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy announce loudly and with much phlegm and inspired strangeness …
Best Animated Short
Adam and Dog
Head over Heels
Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare”
And the winner is…
Paperman — nice.
Best Animated Feature
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
And the winner is…
“Brave.” I wanted “Ralph” to take this one, but it clearly had too many poop jokes.
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